Friday, November 30, 2007

Maybe Tim Russert can be his first guest

Watching the "Today" show this morning and big Al Roker seemed a little out of sorts, nervous maybe and why does everyone wear black on this show? going to alot of funerals lately?

could be the I-Man's return to the WABC airwaves come Monday morning.

Tom Oliphant has nothing to worry about though, went on the PBS Newshour with Jim Lehrer shortly after Imus' firing and gave a reasoned defense of the man, only former regular guest of Imus who did as I recall,

the rest of you? I don't know, it's a bad karma kind of deal.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Obama vs. Hillary

It's nice to see the gloves come off and Obama stop being such a candy-ass but

why throw rocks at a junkyard dog?

Monday, November 26, 2007

My video store just closed, the one with the granny porn

Gotta have the granny porn these days even if only 5 people in your homestate are into it, it's one of the central tenets of political correctness to cater to all tastes. Place was run by an older respectable-looking Korean family man type, the kind with the chopsticks and the paper you don't know how the hell they read (I hear they read it opposite than us, from right to left, go figure), I liked the guy and you got a free movie after renting 10 videos, mainstream movies I'm talking about here. When it comes to midget porn your local video store owner is probably like a drug dealer, doesn't use the stuff himself but hey, it pays the bills. He didn't exactly put a gun to your head you perv you and make you watch that free sampler you still have stuck in your head, the one with the barely legal and still pimply 18-year old girl who headed out to LA 'cos she answered some high-class modeling ad and thought she'd be the next Angelina Jolie, only now she's doing a Slurpee on screen with a straw looking completely disgusted. All my favorite shopping haunts have or will eventually go out of business, it's the pattern, Coconuts becomes FYE and FYE becomes Sprint, if not a cell-phone store (like we need another one) they become a mini automall. Don't you just want to go up to that 20 year old guy yakking it up on his cell in the mall and take it and just chuck it into the fountain with the golden pony and let it sink to the bottom with all the nickels and dimes and quarters while his friend on the other end hears a nice gurgling sound? Anyway, gotta find a new video outlet, workers gotta be let go after every 6 or 7 years or so, they can fend for themselves, Roger over there needs a new cell to stick in his ear and some other guy needs a Hummer for the next invasion planned by Putin,

New World Order stuff.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

I really don't want to hear this song anymore

'Tis the Christmas season, the weekend after Thanksgiving (El Dia de Pavo) which means all the music stations have started their Christmas playlists which means hearing Adam Sandler's 20 versions of his Hannukah song after every commercial break, used to be funny and I enjoyed it every year in the past ("O.J. Simpson, not a Jew") but please don't play it anymore. If WPLJ traffic man Joe Nolan can get Madonna's butchery of that classic "American Pie" off the airwaves for good z can do his little part. I'm in a serious mood this season what with the water and all and Kevin Trudeau's twilight zone of a book (do I take a bath in Poland Spring? that's gonna run me into some money) and it just gets on my nerves, like some twit making fart noises with his hands ("but guess who is (a Jew that is), all 3 Stooges" - ARGHHH!!!) when I'm trying to ponder Life. Let it go, let it rest, if you really want it get the CD.

Why didn't anyone tell me I was going mental?

Reading Kevin Trudeau's once bestseller Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About (Alliance Publishing Group - 2004) and he has a whole section on the water thing, you see the guv'ment has decided to put small amounts of chlorine and fluoride into the water supply and I'm thinking, ok, maybe the guy has a point until he makes this point, to wit every time you step in the shower, what with the steam and all it is a veritable gas chamber. Now when you start to go mental isn't there a point in time where you even remotely suspect this? like when they're all making a bad movie doesn't the director hold a meeting or something and let the cat out of the bag - "you know this project really sucks, maybe they're right about us and we're all on drugs."

Worked in la biblioteca once where any female worker was encouraged to call the coppers if they didn't like how a male patron was looking at them so how do you define staring? Now a 20 minute Nosferatu-like stare, ok, maybe, perhaps but these chicks seem to have the need to have a problem, they never met a bona-fide stalker in their life but they have a poetic, diva-like requirement for one, meanwhile some other guy, you don't know exactly why, brings out their inner slut.

Another point against porn (if you haven't guessed by now I'm against it not just on a moral level but on the aesthetics of it all), porn sets up false expectations, the UPS guy expects some accion with the lonely housewife. Now my nausea gets set off rather easily, it could be as simple as that third cup of coffee in the morning, so how could anyone in real life engage in these monstrous bj's? It's the normal guys you have to watch out for, the nice guys with the dough, the hedge-fund managers who are getting ideas and suggestions from the ever-expanding porn menu, meanwhile the guy in the library can't help staring, you just look nice.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

An insomniac's logic

I work with a woman who says she's a bit of a chronic insomniac, on a good night she'll get 2 hours shuteye tops but says she tosses and turns anyway so I gave her some helpful suggestions,

do you read? reading for an hour tires your eyes out
"so I'm sipping my chamomile watching the boys 'n' the girls and their sex appeal"
do you watch Charlie Rose?

so I finally said to her why not a little Unisom action? to which she said she doesn't like taking sleep aids 'cos they make you tired the next day,

you mean more tired than you've been lately? You're a [bleepin'] insomniac for cryin' out loud, you're already tired

logic logic logic, in short supply these days like all those advocates of hardcore drugs who are hellbent on preaching the evils of alcohol, like seeing pink elephants gliding over the horizon is more healthy than the Goose.

Operation Clinton - your ass is grass

mowing down the opposition

According to our venerable and esteemed journalist Bob Novak, who still remembers exactly what he was doing the day Abe Lincoln was shot, Camp Hillary has some very damaging information on Barack Obama and has been spreading the word,

geez, I wonder what he did?

Operation Clinton, lest you think we lost our touch

(I was worried there for a minute)

Monday, November 19, 2007

Like I'm not sure what's supposed to happen here

Worked in a deli once and the guy just went on his lunch, a nice young man with an eye for the ladies, and it's kinda slow, early evening and this attractive young lady approaches the counter, looked like Teri Hatcher, and so I very casually saunter over ready to take her order when a blur of color whuuushes past me, the guy's back from lunch and he does her order instead of me and I'm like


and so, in his head the pretty young woman married to a corporate lawyer, they're both just back from Rio and she's getting the cold cuts, is ready to risk it all and have an affair with a 20-something deli clerk because he was exceedingly nice to her and got her a 1/2 pound of Boar's Head Ovengold Roasted Turkey Breast sliced razor-thin of course, he had to get his micrometer out and a 1/4 lb. of yellow American,

I had more to offer though, much more. I know how to make quiche but he scared her off.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I don't know how to break this to my folks

Sociologist or cultural professor or whatever she is, Christine B. Whelan, writing in yesterday's New York Post, says studies show that the college-educated fare much better in the romance and marriage stakes department, they are less likely to divorce than those without college degrees and far less likely to have kids out of wedlock than us uneducated yokels (presumably those with degrees never use drugs or watch porn either). The degreed also attract more members of the opposite sex, the Educated Man is more likely to be seen as a good provider (Dr. Laura's apologia for Social Darwinism).

I'm concerned. You see my Mom and Dad have been married for over 50 years now. Dad was a Navy WW2 vet and then drove a truck for almost 50 years, Mom never had a degree, both are now happily retired (or are they?) with full pensions and Social Security. How do I tell them they're on the road to ruin?

Friday, November 16, 2007

The bee-itch

You may have heard, a woman on one of John McCain's campaign stops asked him "so how do we beat this bitch?" to which he replied "that's an excellent question." Usual denunciations, now if you make the case the sitatution was highly inappropriate, well ok, I won't argue with you there, just seems to me in a more humorous, less pc age it would all have been so hilariously funny. McCain's from the olde school, for cryin' out loud the guy was a POW for 5 years, can't have a little fun?

Ever walk out of the store at the mall and forget where the hell you parked? So you're walking with your bag and you don't want to look like an idiot, all the silver Honda Civics begin to look alike - "Mommy, who's that man who can't find his car? Is he on drugs?" - and you begin to think your car was stolen until you finally find it and vow it will never happen again but it does.....

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

People who leave Mass at Communion time,

it's like they see the Mass as a movie and the credits are rolling.

Friday, November 02, 2007

A poem.....

Be patient suffering soul, I hear thy cry
The trial fires may glow but I am nigh.
I see the silver and I will refine
Until My image shall upon it shine.
Fear not, for I am near, thy help to be
Greater than all thy pain My love for thee.